


The Death of Cupid Me

by zuotian



Category: South Park
Genre: Alcohol, Aphrodisiacs, Blood and Violence, Dialogue Heavy, Drugged Sex, M/M, Macro/Micro, Mental Breakdown, Murder, New Year's Eve, Rectal Anatomy, Schizophrenia, Self-Harm, dubcon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-30
Updated: 2019-01-30
Packaged: 2019-10-19 05:27:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,344
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17595404
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zuotian/pseuds/zuotian
Summary: It's New Year's Eve, and everyone is partying at Wendy's house. Cartman shows up uninvited and gets thrown out. Then he realizes Kenny is fucking his ex-girlfriend. Pushed to his limits, Cartman nearly has a drunken mental breakdown, until Cupid Me returns to save the day - or so it seems...





	The Death of Cupid Me

**Author's Note:**

> ALL CHARACTERS AND EVENTS IN THIS FANFICTION—EVEN THOSE BASED ON A REAL SHOW—ARE ENTIRELY GRATUITOUS. ALL CANONICAL DIALOGUE IS IMPERSONATED ... POORLY. THE FOLLOWING FANFICTION CONTAINS COARSE LANGUAGE AND DUE TO ITS CONTENT IT SHOULD NOT BE READ BY ANYONE.

The boisterous party noise was cut off by howling winds as Cartman was thrown out of the front door and fell down the steps. Wendy stood above him, hands on her hips as he laid sprawled on the wet, snowy ground.

 

“Get the fuck out of my house, Cartman,” she ordered, “you weren’t even invited.” 

 

She returned inside, slamming the door shut behind her. Cartman remained still, groaning in pain. He was far past drunk, one beer away from blacking out. It was New Year’s Eve. Wendy’s parents went up to New York City to piss in diapers for twelve hours at Times Square, so she threw a party and invited everyone from school. 

 

Everyone besides Cartman. But no secrets remained such in South Park. He showed up anyway and drank his liver dead in record time, bopping between groups of people to evade Wendy. But nobody wanted him to stick around for conversation, and soon enough she cornered him in the kitchen and dragged him outside.

 

Once the vertigo wore off, Cartman managed to sit up. It was one of the coldest years on record. If it wasn’t for the alcohol coursing through his body, he’d already be hypothermic. The front lawns glistened with untouched snow all down the street, houses warm and alight inside. The loud wind carried fat snowflakes, which began sticking to Cartman’s coat and eyelashes. 

 

He figured he would sit until he died. Maybe he’d turn frozen solid and wake up in the future again. It wouldn’t hurt to try. 

 

Before he committed to the idea, someone opened the door again, announcing their presence with a short outburst of pop music quickly muffled. 

 

“Hey,” Kenny said, pausing in the middle of the walkway. He pulled out a pack of cigarettes and lit one. 

 

Cartman struggled to stand up, using Kenny’s jeans for leverage, and leaned against his scrawny frame once back on his feet. “Get me back in there,” he panted. 

 

“No way, dude,” Kenny scoffed. “I’ve been warming up a girl all night. I’m gonna get laid.” 

 

“I’ll leave you two alone,” Cartman promised. “Trust me.” 

 

“You always fuck shit up,” Kenny said, exhaling. Cigarette smoke and warm breath condensed into one obnoxious cloud. “You broke Clyde’s ping pong table at Halloween, and everyone had to cough up twenty bucks to pay for a new one before his parents got back.” 

 

“I tripped,” Cartman said. “Come on, dude.” 

 

“You ran across the room and body slammed into it,” Kenny said. He braced his arm against Cartman’s chest and pushed him away. “Look, I’ll give you a ride home.” 

 

“Fuck that,” Cartman said, stumbling backward. He fell into the snow, puncturing its seamlessness with an imprint of his huge body, and started making a snow angel. 

 

Kenny cackled. “You’re fucked up, man.” 

 

“Fuck you,” Cartman roared, his voice echoing across the neighborhood. “ _ You’re _ fucked up!” 

 

Kenny glanced toward the front door. “Wendy’s gonna beat the shit out of you if you don’t calm down.” 

 

“I don’t care,” Cartman said, staring up at the starry sky. “She could  _ kill _ me. I wouldn’t care.” He paused in his angelic ministrations and sat up, snow all over the back of his hair and coat. “Who’s the girl?”

 

Kenny ducked his head, taking another drag. “Ah, you don’t wanna know.” 

 

“There’s only like five of them,” Cartman said, and began counting with his fingers. “It’s not Wendy; I bet she’s pegging Stan right now. It’s not Bebe, her boobs aren’t worth it. Nicole’s black so she’s not your type. Red is Karen’s friend, off limits…” Cartman’s hand slowly curled into a fist. He glared. “It’s Heidi, isn’t it!” 

 

“Uh,” Kenny said. “Yeah.” 

 

“Dude!” Cartman jumped up, his gait wavering. “What the hell?” 

 

“You broke up  _ forever _ ago,” Kenny said. 

 

“Why don’t you just  _ fuck _ me, instead?” Cartman demanded. “You’re just trying to  _ fuck _ me, Kenny!” He tried to push the other boy, but Kenny easily side-stepped his lunge. 

 

“Just let me take you home,” Kenny said. “You’re messed up, Cartman.” 

 

“No, you are,” Cartman sneered. He swung an uppercut into Kenny’s jaw. 

 

Kenny grunted, dropping his cigarette into the snow. He rubbed his jaw. “Cartman, cut it out. You hit me again, and you’re walking home, buddy,” he warned.

 

“I’m not your buddy, pal,” Cartman shouted, and kneed Kenny in the nuts. “I’m gonna break your dick in half!” 

 

“Fuck you,” Kenny yelled, and brought his arms around Cartman’s waist. He used Cartman’s imbalance to his advantage, and tossed him back into the snow, then landed on top of his chest. “You’re a piece of shit, Cartman,” Kenny told him, clutching his collar, fist reared back in the air. 

 

The front door opened a third time and all the other kids spilled outside, Wendy at their helm. 

 

“What’s going on?” she asked. “Somebody’s gonna call the cops.” 

 

“Nothing,” Kenny said. He lowered his fist, stood up, and stared down at Cartman. He shook his head, haloed by the streetlights and falling snow. “You aren’t worth it, dude.”

 

Cartman glowered, surrounded by accusing faces. His eyes landed on Heidi. She grimaced, and pushed her way through the crowd. “Eric, listen…” 

 

“You’re a  _ slut _ ,” Cartman spat. He picked up handfuls of snow and threw them at random. “You’re a slut, Heidi, and so is Kenny, and everybody else in this goddamn place!” 

 

Those hit with snow began shrieking, and ran back inside. Kenny advanced toward Cartman again, but Wendy beat him to it, pulling Cartman up so she could wallop him in the mouth. 

 

“Get the fuck  _ out _ ,” she enunciated, and tossed him back to the ground. “I won’t say it again, asshole.” 

 

The rest of them, Wendy and Kenny included, returned inside, leaving Cartman alone. He laid on the ground for a few moments, probing his freshly split lip with his tongue. Blood coalesced on his face, wetly cold and beginning to freeze.  

 

He was crying before he knew it, tears slipping down the sides of his face. “Fuck you,” he muttered to no one in particular. 

 

He reverted to his old plan and closed his eyes. Oh, Wendy was gonna get it. She’d wake up to his frozen corpse in the morning, and he’d be in Hell away from all the cold. It’d be perfect. 

 

Just as he began embracing suicide, there was a flourish of what sounded like church bells. Cartman’s brow furrowed, and he opened his eyes. Something sparkly shot up out of the snow angel he made minutes ago. 

 

“What the hell?” Cartman propped up on his elbow, squinting. He really was dying. 

 

“You’re not dead, stupid,” a deceptively cheerful voice told him. “Get up!” 

 

Cartman  _ oofed _ . The thing smacked him right in the face. He fell to the side, then crawled onto his hands and knees. “Who are you?” 

 

“Don’t tell me you forgot,” the voice said. 

 

Finally, Cartman’s eyes refocused. “No way.” His bloodied lip spread in a wide smile. “Cupid Me!” 

 

“Teehee!” Cupid Me raised his shoulder teasingly, floating inches from Cartman’s nose. He was half-naked as usual, his tiny wings flapping. “Yep, it’s me!” 

 

“I thought I’d never see you again, Cupid Me! Where’d you go?” 

 

“Detroit,” Cupid Me said without explanation. “Come on! Follow me!” 

 

Cartman scampered up onto his feet and started following him down the sidewalk. “Where are we going? Aren’t you gonna shoot one of those little arrows at Heidi or something?” 

 

“She’s a slut, Cartman! You don’t need her.” 

 

“But I want her,” Cartman said. “You’re supposed to help me out, here.” 

 

“I’ll help you out alright,” Cupid Me ensured.

 

He lead Cartman through the crisscrossing neighborhood streets, tittering and tattering with his giggles and hums. Cartman tried catching him, but he always flew out of grasp. 

 

“Cut it out, Cupid Me,” Cartman laughed. 

 

“You gotta catch me, first!” 

 

Cupid Me hitched an abrupt left. Cartman followed, and realized they were home. 

 

“Hey! What’s the idea?” 

 

“Teehee! Let’s go inside.” 

 

Cartman grumbled and looked for his keys. “Goddamn it. I lost my stuff at Wendy’s stupid party.” 

 

“That’s okay.” Cupid Me readied his bow, and shot an arrow through one of the windows. The glass shattered, and he flew through the serrated hole left behind. “Let’s go!” 

 

“Wait,” Cartman called. He rifled around the yard, and eventually found a big enough branch to smash the window entirely, then climbed through. 

 

Cold air seeped into the dark living room. He hit the lights, and grabbed a blanket from the couch to through over the window’s curtain rod. 

 

“Get me something to hold this with,” he asked Cupid Me.

 

Cupid Me fluttered away and returned with a roll of duct tape. 

 

Cartman took it. “Where’d you find this?”

 

“Your mom’s room.” 

 

“Gross!” 

 

“Teehee!” 

 

Cartman sighed and taped the blanket to the wall. The wind made the blanket bellow out, but most of the cold was deterred, for now. He’d come up with an excuse for his mom later. She went out to celebrate earlier, and would probably be lost in the sex club circuit for a few more days at least. 

 

“Okay,” he said. “Now what?” 

 

Cupid Me grinned, imp-like. 

 

Cartman frowned. “What?” 

 

“Surprise!” 

 

“Ah!” Cartman clutched his chest. Cupid Me had struck  _ him _ with an arrow; he tore it off and tossed it aside, where it dissolved into glitter. “What the fuck?” 

 

“Teehee!” Cupid Me took Cartman’s hand and brought him to the couch. “Relax, man.” 

 

Cartman sat down, confused. The snow on his back started melt against the couch cushion. His mind grew fuzzy, on top of the beer and liquor. “I don’t...understand…” 

 

“It’s just been so long since we saw each other,” Cupid Me said, perched on his shoulder. “Don’t you wanna have some fun?” 

 

“Fun?” 

 

Cupid Me winked. “You don’t need Heidi.” 

 

“Oh, shit,” Cartman said. He tried reaching for his phone, about to call 911 to tell the cops Cupid Me was going to rape him, when he realized he’d left it at the party. “Shit!” 

 

Cupid Me put a tiny finger on his lips, where Wendy had punched him. “Shh,” he shushed. “It’s okay.” 

 

“I guess…” Cartman’s eyes went half-lidded. He slumped further against the couch. “The hell is in those arrows, anyway?” 

 

“Just some aphrodisiacs. It’s like magic roofies.” 

 

“Cool,” Cartman mumbled. He pawed at his coat zipper. “It’s  _ hot _ .” 

 

“You’re hot,” Cupid Me said. “Take that shit off, big boy.” 

 

“Ha. Okay.” Cartman complied, stripping his coat and the shirt underneath. “There we go.” 

 

“Pants, too.” 

 

Cartman whined. “You do it.” 

 

Cupid Me’s eyes twinkled. “Really?” 

 

“Yeah. Whatever.” Cartman rubbed his face. “God, what is  _ in _ that stuff?” 

 

His hips jolted and he looked down. Cupid Me was attacking the fly of his jeans with vigor, and pulled them down in a surprising show of strength. 

 

“Whoa,” Cartman gasped. The chill from outside sent goosebumps across his body. He realized he was half-naked, like Cupid Me. “Whoa…”

 

“Chill out,” Cupid Me said. He handed Cartman a bottle of bourbon. “Have some of this.” 

 

Cartman made a small, troubled noise. “When did you…?” 

 

Cupid Me shoved it up to his mouth. “Just relax.”

 

Cartman took the bottle by its base and drank a few good fingers’ worth, uncut. His lips popped with a loud groan as the bourbon burnt down his throat. “Aagggh!” 

 

“That’s it,” Cupid Me encouraged. He took the bottle then, too, and finished the rest off. Cartman ogled, trying to figure out how so much liquor could fit into such a tiny body, but his head was seriously spinning by now, so he gave it up. 

 

Cupid Me burped and threw the emptied bourbon over his shoulder. “Teehee.” 

 

“Gross,” Cartman said. 

 

Cupid Me slapped his thigh. “Lay down.” 

 

“I don’t  _ want _ to,” Cartman protested. 

 

“Okay, then.” Cupid Me shot him again with another arrow.

 

“Cut it out!” 

 

Cupid Me just shot him a  _ third _ time. The two arrows stuck out from his chest, suctioned on either nipple. 

 

Cartman laid flat on his back. He fumbled at the arrows and managed to rip them off his nipples. They poofed into glitter just like the one before. 

 

All of a sudden, he was immobile. He watched Cupid Me play at the hem of his underwear, like everything was in slow motion and covered with molasses. Drool began dribbling out of the corner of his mouth. He griped and growled, but couldn’t manage to form complete words, and ended up sounding like a slobbering ape. 

 

Cupid Me removed his underwear completely. Cartman was surprised to find his dick already hard. He couldn’t really feel it, but knew it was there, just like he knew Cupid Me’s tiny meaty hands were crawling up his foreskin. 

 

“Whhh…,” Cartman asked. 

 

Cupid Me ignored him. He plucked Cartman’s foreskin and put a foot inside, then the other, until he was snuggled up against Cartman’s dick, like he was tucked in a sleeping bag. Cartman wanted to look away, but his eyes were fastened to the spectacle. Cupid Me burrowed down and swam around, forming a bulge that circled up and down his cock. 

 

The form moved up and down for awhile, until Cartman felt something burst out of him. It was Cupid Me, covered in cum. “Teehee!” 

 

Cartman spluttered, his legs twitching. 

 

“Now for the fun part,” Cupid Me said. 

 

He dove in between Cartman’s legs. Cartman’s eyes bulged. He writhed on the couch, but still couldn’t do anything. He felt Cupid Me poke between his buttcheeks. Cartman let them loosen; whether in aroused acceptance or roofied obedience, he had no idea. 

 

Cupid Me wriggled into his asshole. The intrusion was strange, but not exactly unpleasant. It felt like taking a shit backwards. As Cupid Me traveled deeper, pressure grew at Cartman’s abdomen and lower back. He gasped, penetrated like never before - having never  _ been _ penetrated before. 

 

Cartman nearly blacked out when Cupid Me arrived at the end of his anal canal and slid past his prostate. But it didn’t stop there. Cupid Me moved further into his rectal cavity, through the ampulla and finally into the beginning (or end) of his colon. 

 

Cartman’s chest heaved. He stared between his legs, but there was nothing to show for the erratic movement deep inside of him. Then he saw where the bulge of Cupid Me was pushing through the skin of his abdomen, and screwed his eyes shut.

 

It seemed to last for hours. Sweat coated Cartman’s hairline and dripped down his temples. The irritation to his stomach was making him sick, in a weird, sexy way. 

 

He chanced another glance to find his dick hard again. That was when he felt Cupid Me make his descent. He breathed a sigh of relief, even though the sojourn backward was ten times as intense due to the soreness from before. 

 

He heard a “Teehee!” echo from his butt when Cupid Me paused to seemingly attack his prostate like it was a boxer’s speed punching bag, and opened his mouth in a silent, wheezy scream as he ejaculated once more. 

 

Finally, he felt Cupid Me exit through his asshole. Cupid Me flew upward and shook shit and other bodily muck off of his wings. “Whew!” 

 

Cartman could only lay there, his mouth and asshole gaping. 

 

Cupid Me dusted himself off. “That was pretty cool, I guess. The arrow magic should wear off in a couple hours.” 

 

Cartman swallowed, and used every fiber in his violated body to speak. “Wh...where are you going?” 

 

“I gotta head out,” Cupid Me said. He flew toward Cartman’s face and bopped his nose. “Thanks for the ride.” 

 

“But…” 

 

Cupid Me snorted. “What, do you want to cuddle? I remember how it was before. I’m not sticking around, or you’ll bash my teeth in.” He rearranged his bow and arrows, and straightened the sash across his torso, then looked Cartman in the eye. “You aren’t worth it, dude.” 

 

Enraged, Cartman broke through Cupid Me’s spell, hoisted himself into an upward position. “ _ Fuck  _ you!” 

 

“Holy shit,” Cupid Me screeched, and flew away. 

 

Cartman fell off the couch, but quickly got onto his hands and knees. “I’m gonna kill you!” 

 

“Aw, don’t do that!” Cupid Me laughed anxiously. “I’m Cupid Me! Teehee! You love me, right?” 

 

“I hate you,” Cartman vowed. He rose on shaky legs. “Come here, you fucker!” 

 

Cupid Me was small and fast - but Cartman was well and truly  _ pissed _ . Nothing could stop him. With superhuman agility, he launched at Cupid Me and caught him in his hands. 

 

Cupid Me fought against his grip. “Eric, please! We’re buddies!” 

 

Cartman snickered. “I’m not your buddy, pal.” 

 

He held Cupid Me by the foot and whacked him against the living room wall. Cupid Me’s body cracked upon impact, his limbs bent at odd angles and blood oozing from various contusions. 

 

“Eric, stop,” Cupid Me begged, “I’ll do anything you want.” 

 

Cartman said nothing, and slapped Cupid Me against the wall for a second, third, and fourth time. Cupid Me’s protests turned into weak moans of pain. His bones stuck out of his skin, face bruised, teeth fallen and littering the carpet. Cartman walked to the blanketed window, ripped the blanket off, and picked up a shard of glass. 

 

He got on his knees, pinning Cupid Me down with one hand. “Say you’re sorry,” he ordered. 

 

“I’m sorry,” Cupid Me coughed, blood bursting from his lips. “I’m sorry, Eric.” 

 

Cartman smiled manically. “I don’t give a fuck!”

 

He brought the shard of glass down and pierced Cupid Me’s chest. Cupid Me emitted a dying  breath, then collapsed dead. 

 

Cartman tossed the glass aside and sat back on his haunches. He stared at Cupid Me’s corpse, pleased, then grimaced and puked and keeled over, passed out. 

 

/ 

 

Kenny awoke New Year’s day in an unfamiliar room with a nasty hangover and naked body next to him. It took a moment to recalibrate and remember what had happened. When he opened his eyes and saw Heidi’s sleeping face next to him, everything came rushing back. 

 

“Shit,” he said, and sat up. He looked around. The clock on the end table read 10:30 AM. Next to the clock was a framed picture of Wendy’s parents. He’d had sex on their bed; righteous. 

 

Heidi was totally out, and Kenny didn’t bother waking her. She was a nice girl and good lay, but nothing beyond that - and he knew she regarded him the same. He thought of Cartman’s anger, and felt guilty; the guy could really blow things out of proportion, and Kenny just let it happen instead of making sure he knew it was just a quick fling. He should probably check up on him. 

 

He got redressed and quietly left the bedroom. There were teenagers all around the house, laying in piles of beer cans. Stan and Wendy were locked behind her bedroom door, for sure. Kenny stepped over Kyle’s prone form on his way to the front door, and passed Tweek and Craig’s drunken embrace as he left. 

 

The fresh air was rejuvenating as he got into his car. Still, he smoked a cigarette just to make sure he was truly awake, then headed to Cartman’s house. If it weren’t for him, Cartman would probably be dead or in jail by now. 

 

When he pulled up, however, something was off - Kenny had a sixth sense about these things. He got out of the car and saw the broken window, his anxiety confirmed, and hurried his steps. 

 

He tried the doorknob, but it wouldn’t budge. “Cartman?” he asked. “Hello?” 

 

There was no response, so he stepped through the broken window, glass crunching under his shoe. 

 

“Cartman? Dude? Listen, the thing with Heidi was totally…” 

 

Kenny fell silent, his eyes widening at the scene before him. 

 

Cartman was incapacitated, lying next to an empty bottle of bourbon and a puddle of vomit and blood. He was totally naked, with a string of anal beads hanging out of his asshole. And one of his hands was completely, utterly destroyed - a lump of broken fingers and exposed sinews, embedded with glass and covered in blood. 

**Author's Note:**

> oh what fun. ive always thought cupid me is fucking hilarious, and love playing around with cartman's mental states, which is something i want to write more. this was like a warm up! as much as i love cartman/kenny i want to push myself to write different stuff (but as you can tell inadvertently throw in some form of their relationship) - however ideas don't come easy to me unless i think of crazy stuff on the fly and write it all in one sitting. 
> 
> i tagged it dubcon because cupid me is a figment of cartman's imagination and, in the end, it was all just weird masturbation and self-harm. toward the end i tried to bring out more of his subconscious into cupid me
> 
> please leave a comment, bookmark, and SMASH that kudos


End file.
